Change starts with youDo you spend more time questioning your partner’s words or actions than examining your own? Blaming your partner can feel good in the moment, but it’s dangerous because it can lead to anger and resentment.Conflict is not a bad thing in relationships. In other words, intimacy can only occur when partners are vulnerable enough to share their deepest hopes, fears, and dreams without judgement. His understanding led him to carve out time to spend together on the weekends.Couples seeking a deeper emotional connection need to understand that vulnerability and intimacy go hand in hand. The underlying issue in their marriage is that neither partner is able to express their needs in a non-blameful way.They had never discussed what alone time and time together meant to each of them.īy talking about this in my office, Ben finally understood Alicia’s fear of being alone. Vulnerability and intimacy go hand in handWhat Ben and Alicia don’t realize is that they aren’t really arguing about the amount of time they spend together.

Even in those cases, it is possible to accept the person even if you do not accept their behavior. These behaviors should be addressed in a loving and direct way with the help. Be genuinely interested in learning about why they see or do something differently than you, and be open to respecting and even celebrating what makes each of you unique.Of course, there are some things that should never be tolerated in a relationship, like abuse, addiction, or infidelity. Instead, they feel under siege and dig in to protect themselves.”Instead of criticizing your partner, remind yourself of all of the things you appreciate about them, and share those things with them. When people feel criticized, disliked, and unappreciated they are unable to change.

John Gottman says, “People can change only if they feel that they are basically liked and accepted the way they are. “He doesn’t consider my needs and I feel so alone.”If you want your partner to change, start by accepting them for who they are. It feels like I can’t breathe.”“Ben has his friends over every weekend,” Alicia reflects. “I’ve asked Alicia to give me space, but things don’t appear to be changing.

I see it all the time in my private practice.“I’ve been miserable for years,” complains Ben. Instead of trying to change your partner, be the change you wish to see in your relationship.īen and Alicia are both waiting for the other person to change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him.” I believe this to be true in relationships as well.

Ktso couple big changes